Sunday, 19 October 2008

Sheriff Fatmans Fall Out

Ladies and Gentlemen I give you ' Satmap 10 / Sheriff Fatman' delete as appropriate, but more of that later

A free Saturday morning and the weathers good, so a quick jaunt up the Cheshire Ridge 30 minutes away from home was too good an option to miss. Tegg's nose is just outside Macclesfield and even has those brown country park signs to get you there... thankfully, I ignored my SatNav again! and had to take a detour. I really need to find a voice I trust on the satnav, I just believe the Irish bloke says stuff for a laugh sometimes, maybe I shouldn't laugh at a Satnav anyway?

Favourite joke of this week, well some week 20 years ago but never the less

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!

As a start point for a walk, the kids would love this, you start almost at the top of the hill and within seconds you are on the edge of the Cheshire Ridge and all for only £1.50 a ticket.(Car Parking). You can watch planes doing their up and down stuff at Manchester airport, see across the Mersey, look at the huge satellite / telescope wotsit at Jodrill Bank. (I love the thought that this powerful telescope looking back up at the Cheshire Ridge and a couple of techies are watching people walk past going '6 out of 10, 8 out of 10, oh minger'. etc) and you can pick out all the other places you know across Cheshire. 

It may freak the kids a bit when you point out that the rides not finished and its 3 hours back to the car (I'm going to try this soon), but as a start point its instant gratification for the 30 seconds concentration generation. It also isn't the most strenuous climb to the top but it does actually have a top. 

This may also be genetic, but Craig and I have very differing views on hilltops. (along with other stuff including 'Busted' it turns out--- later) 

I've always felt that if you are going to be bothered walking up a hill why wouldn't you want to reach the top, in fact (see previous blogs) why wouldn't you want to reach the top first? But without question if it has a top--- visit it, not Craig, (feel free to correct this mate), he reckons he'd be happy to have a cup of tea 10 yards from the top of Everest whilst watching his mates take photo's and plant flags at the top, before heading back down. Its got to be either the 'aye go one' gene or the 'can't be arsed gene', I'm pretty sure that Glaxo are harvesting this from teenagers everywhere to be used as a world war 3 prevention pill.

Tegg's nose is an ex quarry, quite why you would choose to build a quarry up here in 15th century when there is loads a good stuff left at the bottom of the hills at this point in time is beyond me. Although they did just chuck all the junk over the back of the hill out of site of the townsfolk, so maybe they were just lazy. Bit like kids being able to get the full contents of the floor under their bed in the 5 seconds before their mum opens the door to complain about the mess. Its a bit of a bloomin mess out back though- the grey bit is junk

I didn't see the nose shaped reference either, hardly a Roman masterpiece, more a Michael Jackson 5th attempt at reconstruction ie hacked to bits and unrecognisable. I did like the round shelter the council have built at the top though, they've labelled circular holes so you can look right at stuff and know what it is. My particular favourites were 'the pyramids and tower of Babel' really cool.

Back to Satmap 10, ater the less than perfect initial run out on the moors, it was maybe foolhardy or overconfidence or just using the 'what the heck'  gene, I'd decided to give the new  toy a full roadtest on my own. Just in case anyone from Satmap stumbles on this and thinks ' mmmhh lawsuit' for clarification the initial failure to walk directly East across open moorland was entirely down to my ineptitude and lack of effort ie 'open the manual would have helped'. Having nearly 'done for' my pal I engaged in a lengthy full study course, I downloaded and read the full extended manual. I did all the how to guides and I even downloaded all the software upgrades and 'how to' walk throughs, I even found and read some web forums.

Slight Aside - Craig holds the world record on The Middlesbrough FC website for replies to a single webpost. How he did it by talking about the merits of a slow cooker and then asking for recipes I'll never know. (I have a German friend that reads this sometimes and if you could explain the plural of recipe to us all that would be good) (My daughter Jess says its just one of those words you can spell how you feel like- brilliant).Please also feel free to add any slow cooker tips to the comments.

Satmap 10- I'd plotted my own route on screen the day before whilst watching TV and then set off into the unknown with fingers crossed.................The Result??

Ladies and Gentlemen for the second time I give you Satmap 10 its a great toy and a GPS revolution. If it hadn't been invented by a small but brilliant self funded British start up company it would have been all over footy shirts advertising by now. Maybe the Boro should switch from Garmin so they can find the opponents half next week. They would also have had a huge 80's style product launch with 1000 of sales people and music and dry ice, with whooping and hollaring. As it is; a web board with 6 members and word of mouth is probably going to have to do the trick. 

I attended one of these whoopy conferences at the end of the 80's whilst working for Unilever, music, screens, dry ice, TV's everywhere and naked women in wheelbarrows in front of 800 mixed staff ...what were they thinking? The whole event was strange; it was at the Adelphi Hotel in Liverpool which turned out to be particularly conducive to interdepartmental fisticuffs...which did indeed ensue. A peaceful conference outcome wasn't particularly helped by my pal Alistair Rees declaring to the whole non techie Retail Division that and I quote ' A Pig could sell Persil', nice speech and awesome alliteration mate, but I think the subtleties were lost in translation.

Sherrif Fatman

Fatman's got something to sell
to the capital's homeless
At The Crossroads Motel
for the no-fixed-abodeless
Where you can live life in style
you can sleep in a closet
And if you flash him a smile
he'll take your teeth as deposit

It reminds me of my Unilever 'career' and experience and if Tim is reading this I'd be grateful if you didn't point out that I was often so up my own backside at the time that I even wore braces, just thank god camera phones didn't exist. Thanks for sticking with me through it. Anyway Sherrif Fatman ended any chance I had of climbing the arse licked ladder to the top of Unilever. I was travelling up the M6 with Mr Vice President European Bog Cleaner in his Black Free Ranger BMW Leer RX Bloody Huge F2 or whatever car (I'm not good at cars) it was black though. Mr Self righteous, bigoted racist prick had been espousing his flea ridden lifestyle agenda for about an hour when I had an epiphany. I realise the M6 at Birmingham is hardly the Road to Damascus but it does have Hilton Services (too many jokes to fit in already).

Suddenly, I realised I didn't believe in any of it and so (Che Guevara style I like to imagine) I searched for radio 1 (under the auspices of hearing how good the stereo was) and brilliantly this happened.

'Carter Unstoppable Sex Machine next with Sherrif Fatman'

I played it loud and declared how much I loved the lyrics, Mr Portly sitting next to me was less than impressed with Jim Bob and Co and as far as Unilever was going for me two words  'End Of'. or maybe I was a bit Rubbish!

So route plotted, I set off mapless and I managed a 6 mile walk which had some tricky twists and turns without once resorting to 'Cross country off map' Result.

One final thought onTegg's Nose I thought the dog owners were having there very own laugh at the name by letting their dogs crap on it, a few too many dogs for my liking although 'dozy, dinky  here boys' was funny. 

The walked I'd plotted was very close to mainland Britain in shape (although a lot smaller in perimeter obviously). As I was walking back towards the car down the Northwest coast towards Stockton Heath, I was at Carlisle ish  when I bumped into some people I had seen walking in the opposite direction near Poole. Just for clarification and incase people from Yorkshire are reading this (Doc, Beechy) its an imaginary map of Britain in my head at this point, a mini mini me map, I haven't taken up long distance sprinting. Either way they looked very shocked to see me marching in the opposite direction on The Gritstone Trail for the second time. And so back to the car with no problems at all. 

As the big mountain walk is only a few months off now, I thought I'd give the chaps some extra encouragement Craig and Shad link only, and Gaslight Anthem DO NOT sound liked Busted.

Part 2 of this weekend involves a trip to EMO City to see Fall Out Boy and I'm going to give Rosie the right of reply so this one to follow


Anonymous said...

This wasn’t what I was expecting. I had been waiting to read about a trip to Nice, a trek up some Alpine hillside, lunch with the Von Trapps and then maybe some tale of Shad, Rich or Doc traumatizing a mountain goat with the traditional frolic in a fountain. No, what do we get? A visit to a carpark. Even with a satnav, reports of trips out to those sort of locations are better suited to more specialist adult websites.

Still, I get plenty of mentions so it’s worth reading. You are right about my stance on the mountain top issue. Once you get to within a few feet of the top, you don’t need to actually stand on the absolute summit. It’s enough to know that you could if you wanted to. It’s a bit like when Zorro fights a baddy. He could run them through with his sword, but rarely does (unless they are just an extra).Instead, knowing that their life is in his hands anyway, he contents himself with carving his initials in their chest. Or if it’s Catherine Zeta Jones, just having a quick peek at it.

If you remember, I stopped about 6 feet from the top of Great Gable, mainly because the old couple in their seventies who had beat me to the top were having lunch on it, but also because it doesn’t really add anything to the walk to do those last couple of steps. You get the same views, exercise and sense of achievement without planting a flag. It stops you from getting involved in the whole trainspotting, ‘box ticking’ aspect of walking up hills as well. Less chance of a direct lightning strike too.

I like the ‘Random irrelevant stories about Craig’ feature too, although surely my slow cooker craze can’t be the most interesting one you’ve got about me. If, as you said last week, you were going to mix up fact and fiction in these blogs, couldn’t you invent something along the lines of me getting off with the Olsen twins or something rather than highlighting my tendency to have stew for tea? Although if it is all in the thrill of the chase and I’m consistent with my mountain top theory, I suppose that having lured Mary Kate and Ashley (triplets?) back to mine and divested them of their kit, I should at that point thank them for their time, offer them some four day old lamb hotpot and then send them packing. Maybe there is something worthwhile after all in completing the task and ticking the boxes. If ticking their boxes is the correct expression.

And whilst I’m on, I’ve got a factual error to correct for you. The M6 is in fact the road to Damascus. As you often tell me, all the roads are joined up. In fact, it’s possibly the most direct route as well if you are starting from, say, Lancaster, and even if you begin in Sydney it could form the scenic route for people not in a hurry or those who haven’t read the instructions on their SatMap 10.

Sorry, but there’s another factual error as well. Gaslight Anthem. Just like Busted. Or a Busted tribute band. And you know I don’t like those. Apart from that though, another good read.

Anonymous said...

I think, that was the best you wrote and liked and enjoyed the music, specially the lyrics..
I had to grin now when I saw the violine(young republic in the car), because I played for eight years and I know to start playing it is a pain, but after a while it connects you to all kind of music you ever can experience in your life.
I like reading the stories and the music especially.

Greetings from Germany

Anonymous said...

I too read from Germany and play the cello. I admire the lyrics and Young Republic musicians. The photographs of the outdoors are also wonderful.

But The Gaslight Antem? Scheister, scheister, scheister. Just like Busted.

PaulB said...

Dear anon german number 2, I've passed you regards on to the band and as they live in the US they are gonna nip round and sort you next week.

Anonymous said...

Are you dancing ballet as well,
anon Cello player,and reading books like Friedrich Nietzsche?

From sunny Germany

Anonymous said...

I rarely dance the ballet these days, German Nr 1. Old age and a general lack of suppleness makes cutting my toenails more and more difficult. I've never read Nietzsche, (I tend to go for books with more pictures in them) but his whole 'existence is pointless and without value' seems to pretty much sum life up. Not in a miserable way though. Quite a liberating thought really, that none of it matters. Anyway, cello practise time now. I can almost get all the way through 'When the Saints go Marching In'.

Anonymous said...

Well,anon, you made me really laugh after a shity work day. I hope, you found someone who is cutting your toe nails.Otherwise you have problems to get into the ballet shoes...
So you are reading more like Mickey Mouse books?Great books as well!!Love them, specially Goofy who has never a clue.
And by the way you spell shit in German Scheisse, otherwise a German person would think, you are from another planet like the Apes.

From a cold rainy Germany

PaulB said...

Woah Woah Woah stop already, this is a serious blog about trials and tribulations, mixed with a blend of popular culture. I feel like its been taken over by a dating agency.

Anonymous said...

Sorry,but that made me even more.
Of course, just was concerned about the toe nails, that can hurt I know that from my old granny.

From nearly snowing Germany
(thanks God, and maybe I do not have to go to work)

Anonymous said...

Trials and tribulations? Sheep dog trials maybe. Anyway, you should be glad us Germans are reading (or looking at the pictures). Not for long though, me and my mate Galen are off to build a snowman.

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