This is a hot one

'hey Pam why don't we have a lovely 3 day break in Palma'

Famous last words, well almost rammed back down my throat words.

Honestly, that was the plan, there were no plans at all to build this into my training schedule. I know I've been to Majorca a few times now, but really who the heck would know they have mountains?

So back to boot camp....erm Palma. Well yes I had been before on one of those tough management conference things that all people in business' have to put up with once in a while. As a consequence I pretty much new the ropes and a couple of tequilla bars and a fantastic cocktail bar. Actually that was all the ropes I knew, but as they say its pretty much enough to hang yourself with. Evening meal in a known place, a rather nice bottle of wine and a few tequillas later....holiday by anyones standard.

Next morning

me ' do you fancy a short walk Pam'

Pam (in best Craig voice) 'aye go on then'

You think she would have got a bit suspicious as I dug out my fell running shoes, (sorry did I mention the fell 'running' shoes Shad?). But no, camera in hand and very little other preparation we headed for the local castle, via the backstreets which did contain some fantastic graffiti and smelt like piss. 

We should have been happy with the piss smell because as we entered the hillside on which said castle sat, the place was littered with dog shite. Honestly it was like being back in the 70's where every child could be seen pulling faces or faeces whilst 'cleaning' shoes with a long stick.

I'm sure if lady di had used this place as a dodge the landmines training course then 1000's of kids would be saved, saying that every school would have at least ones smelly kid. Just for balance I was the scabby kid due to psoriasis...still am really. It beats being man head, or wonky glasses or crooked teeth......b****cks maybe I was all of them! but not nit head.

Back to the hillside, after a short while the dogs obviously ran out dead food and things cleared up and we arrived at a rather splendid castle on the top of the hill. Pams tolerance of sightseeing is actually worse than mine......'yeah right old bricks where's the good stuff'..good stuff indeed. Its a bit like saying to the kids 'just look at that great view' and they inevitably say 'where'? when it's all around them.  As we turned away from the splendid view over the harbour and the town, in the distance behind us loomed up some real mountains capped by a huge statue. 

Me ' why don't we go up there?'

Pam 'aye go on then'

Thankfully there was a bottled water machine, so armed with a bottle each we set off (in the 34C heat and it was now about 11am). Even the guidebook said 'there are no paths or signposts in the forest so be careful'. Off map into the forest we went, we did have a hansel and grettle moment where we thought just maybe we were heading too deep into the woods. But we had JC or maybe Virgin Mary on the hillside to guide us. 

Then the path headed away from the mountain, 140 degrees away, I was all for heading back for a beer at this point when my personal trainer said ' lets scale this huge wall and go back uphill'. We did and then back into more forest with the fallen tree's and barbed wire. Even this was going ok until we realised that there was now full scale motorway between us and the mountain, inspired by the wall climbing I came up with

'lets go under it through the waste tunnel' thankfully Pam raised an eyebrow and enuf sed really. (Sorry I'm testing text speak to outdo Rosie, she would write it as 'nuf sd' so more practice required.) Pams walking in very flat and new sandshoes and I'm all geared in walking shoes, so the point where I mentioned 'snakes in this long grass' kinda freaked her. Anyway it resulted in a rapid march over a field and then clambering over a rather tall wire fence with no complaints just glad to be back on solid ground. 

For the next couple of hours we wound our way round and round and round a couple of hillsides in the heat, pausing only once to call Shad and tell him how unfit he was. By the time the mountain steepened we knew we were only 20 minutes from the top (its now about 36C and the water is running out, oh and Pams starting to get blisters) and the statue loomed over us. The good news is that it looked as if there was a cafe/shack at the top, the promise of which helped us up the last bit.  

RESULT its a full scale boutique restaurant with the greatest views over the whole of Palma, I wasn't quite brave enough (or maybe stupid enough) to claim this had been the plan all along. 'Huge long drinks please with loads of ice, a seat by the door in the breeze (necessary to save the other punters) and your pudding menu my good fellow'. And it was just as good when the food arrived.

Fully refreshed 50 minutes later we decided a swift march back down the hill a sit by the pool was in order. We did spot the shortcut that would have saved us at least an hour on the way up. But hey that wouldnt have helped the training schedule would it. I also spotted yet another splendid signpost..

Back at the hotel we were far too shattered to go partying that night so we headed for the offi and smuggled loads of cheap booze into the room ...'you can't take the Teesside out of the kid' and sat on the balcony watching a wedding take place below. 

Its amazing how you can spot the wide boys and the slappers at any wedding in any country even at 50 yards through a drunken haze. 

And for whats its worth she was definitely offside but at least she scored.

Upping the Ante

Definitely not to be mixed up with a Sunday afternoon parlour game in Cleveland, this is a much used poker phrase used to scare the heck out of opponents. Anyone keeping up with this nonsense may have noticed my only child tendancies to look after myself on walks and kind of leave my pals to struggle up to the top at their own pace. This may be looked on as thoughtful in some circles, but not the circles taking place at a recent party where I was suddenly Dick Dastardly and a cad toboot. Well if it isn't ok to walk at your own pace only one thing to do...

RACE

And so, having had a 15 minutes conversation over the merits of sticking together we descended into light hearted mickey taking and Shads pretty good at this, to the point where the challenge happened.

Paraphrasing the conversation between Shad and me

Shad 'you are a selfish git who never waits for anyone'

Me 'and you are fat and slow'

Shad and Me 'RACE'

The Chrome Hill rematch was laid down, for weekend of 27th September, first to the top wins and loser buys lunch for anyone that turns up. I had this down as an absolute certainty until Shad appeared in lycra the next morning to profess

'I've joined the gym, got a personal trainer and a dietician' oh and ' I've bought a bike and all the girls in the office are my cheerleaders'. By any standards this was a work of genius in 24hours. Bugger. Updates to follow.

As ever the my life and that of my family and friends were on shifting sands this weekend, more like eel filled sands actually. The original plan was; quiet Friday, then Saturday I go to Teesside and walk near Osmotherley followed by a free festival by the river in Stockton featuring BSP and The Happy Mondays.

Rosie goes to The Big Chill Festival with her pal

Pam and Jess have an easy Saturday and go to Girls Aloud on Sunday.

Andy and family arrive Friday night, we get trashed. Saturday Pam and Rosie eventually call off going to the Big Chill and plan to join up with me in Teesside. Saturday traffic is a nightmare and now Craig has a three car shuffle to perform via airports and garages in various bits of the county....the Saturday afternoon walk is already looking a bit at risk.

I'm very happy to give anyone a lift anywhere as I can recall not having a car and relying on my mum , pals and hitching, it was also a great excuse to find a new shortcut to the airport....Vasco da Gama style. The facts about this 'explorer' are below, but the summary is that he only found a shortcut, which in anyones book should be a bit rubbish as exploring goes. He's got loads of statues for it in Portugal though.

Vasco Stuff

It turned out I was more rubbish than even him as my shortcut turned into a longcut

The Longcut for Richard

and thus the Saturday walk was in real jeopardy. As Pam joined us in Craigs house and thoughts started turning to the pub, I recalled Shad sending an email to Craig which basically said ' make him eat curry and drink guiness all weekend'. Off to the pub it was then at 3pm. Joined my Tom and Beechy later, we'd started as we meant to go on.

All this would have been ok, 3 pints and back to Craigs ready for going down town, if it wasnt for the chilli vodka, which was a smooth as anything and not a bit chillified. So much so that quite a lot of it slid down Craigs neck quite quickly. So with Craig already slightly worse for wear we left the house in a cab 'bang on time for a cab - half an hour late at 8.15pm. Off to the bar for a few beers and down to the front just as BSP come on stage, perfect timing. BSP did a great set finishing with a frantic St Louise lasting 12 minutes, Pam declared them to be ok but a young blokes band- which I took as a compliment.

Great songs to finish a set with

St Louis - BSP

Killer Parties - The Hold Steady

Hey Jude - McCartney

I am the Resurrection -Stone Roses

Feel free to add to the list

and next we get the Happy Mondays. Or rather we don't! as Pam and myself head back to the chaps, there is a rather large empty circle around the pair of them and mud all up Craigs back....he did look very very happy though in 'the safety zone'

Suffice to say the next hour was quite fun, no names no pack drill, no Happy Mondays (Shaun sits down all the way through anyway), but plenty of memories, fish and chips and some extra cider for good measure.

DAMN ---Mondays looking fantastic and Shaun stood up

Next morning 'up and at em' and ready for a walk, well I was, Craig declined ( I think lunch at his mums beckoned) and Pam needed to head back with the kids to make the Pop in the Park gig. This meant I could nip round and visit my nana. I guess all families have their Godfather figure, well nana Ivy is ours and you really wouldnt want to stay on the wrong side of her for too long. At 85 she's as sharp as a tack and really is the epitomy of the Eddie Izzard marching old ladies in their big coats.

Eddie Izzard ish

I don't think anyone in the family is too big to get a clip off her if they were out of order. Brilliantly her only request is that I call more often and can I get her some shower caps. It is great to see her so enthusiastic at 85.

Well the print out says 'a four hour walk' around Osmotherly, I don't really have four hours and as the gauntlet is now thrown down I decide the only answer is to march it a double pace. Osmotherly is at the foot of the Cleveland Hills and less than a mile off the A19, so very bloomin handy indeed. Except it needs a multistory car park, ok it would be a tiny bit of an eyesore, but there are loads of hills around here they could build it in. Twelve minutes to find a parking space!!

Yomp yomp up the first hill passing people and causing them to stagger in my wake (hope you are paying attention Shad), I was somewhat distracted by a series of wooden crosses by the side of the path, with little wooden notices next to them with references to things Jesus 'did'. Now at least 3 of these just said Jesus trips, I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt that it wasnt a Happy Mondays reference, but even so, Jesus slays a dragon or slugs a giant would be better. Tripping up is the sort of thing I can do.

This is a slight aside but talking of rubbish things, there was a bloke on TV earlierat Craigs who was from ' the anti salt society' that really isnt a good thing to make your lifes work. Mind you you could do T Shirts

Saxa's gonna get ya. or even plain 'SAXA'D with a picture of the pot on it, bet Che is quaking in his boots.

The walk thankfully went past a small chuch (explained the crosses then) and downhill to Mount Grace Priory (I'd just walked up the hill!). Just for reference MGP is only good for school trips from Teesside when they can't afford to take you anywhere good...we went three times and its a ruin. Go to a good one like Fountains Abbey.

Then my slight mistake came to light as I turned to page 2 of the instructions, and I kid you not

'retrace your steps to the ridge of the hill' it took 20 minutes to get down.....aarrgh.

Slightly frustrated at myself I really marched 20 minutes up hill (passing more people - Shad) and then I marched a bit more uphill for 20 more minutes and the only people to catch me were a couple of fell runners. The views from the top were more impressive than last time and I could see right across Roseberry Topping and to the sea beyond. I managed to forget the detour of 30 yards to the SheepWash but I'll save that for the Swainby walk next time. Passed the Cod Beck Reservoir and downhill into Osmotherly all in 2hours 5 minutes and feeling fantastic.

I really like mad signposts and this one is winning so far.

So for the big race all I need to do is drink very heavily on the previous two nights and I'll be sorted

Hold Steady Welshboy

If you are going to have a rock album then start it like this

Me and my friends are like, the drums on Lust for Life'
Me and my friends are like treble whisky, coke no ice'


Ok so I’ve already written about a Hold Steady gig, but everything has changed now. They’ve written a quite outstanding new album and this could be one of the last opportunities to see them in a small venue for some time. Its one of the good things about being able to manage your own time at work, (well at least when customers aren’t doing it for you), you can have meetings in the right parts of the country.

The gig was at The Irish Centre in Leeds which held lots of promise for drinking and partying. Afternoon meeting at the Leeds depot then out for an early tea with Doc. The picture is from another work venture when we had to go to Barcelona to man an exhibition stand.






Even at the time we knew it shouldn't be like this, firstly;

We fell for the Ryan Air trick, where your Barca flight lands very close to France, then its good luck chaps find your own way to the city 60 miles away.

( WARNING – however tempted you are if you ever find yourself in this situation, do not get on the Barca Bus with the scousers who have been drinking since arrival at Liverpool Airport. They don't make mp3 players that loud or with batteries that long. Oh and does anyone really think John Lennon wanted an airport naming after him?)

and

It was snowing…'first time in 15 years’ they said…how much better I felt knowing that!

Still the mood improved as we watched our ‘local friend’ (Craig was living in Spain at the time) order his tapas in Spanish and get himself a huge plate of almonds to eat. The steak and chips were a real struggle mate.

Sales meeting finished we headed into Leeds, four pints before a gig is always going to lead to some small catastrophe or another. This one turned out to be the waitress performing her ‘the real hustle’ trick on me. I’m not sure they should show that programme so early on TV, Rosie is planning on being the new Raffles. Anyway through 1000’s of hours of practice and a million mph hand motion the waitress managed to relieve me of my credit card. Or maybe we were drinking, talking and both handed our cards over to pay…………. I wasnt worried at all the next day.

The Irish centre is excellent, it’s a working mens club for Irish people, which means lots of locals, 4 bars, and loud music and about 800 here to see the band.

Favourite T-Shirt seen ‘only users lose drugs’ although the ‘choose milf’ was a close second.

Now I know Doc likes a few beers but the whole music scene thing doesn’t really do it for him. Sinatra is about as far as he goes. I learned later that he had described the album as ‘oh it’s a bit bloody noisy like all the stuff Paul likes’. Well at least we know where the generation gap is!

So why stand 4 yards from the speaker?

The band were really fantastic, they know they’ve written a great set of banging new tunes and are really enjoying playing them live for the first time. I don't think I've seen a band having such a good time on stage for ages.I lost my pal after he went for a smoke and an escape to slow the blood pouring from his right ear. Eight rows back, centre stage is always a good slot and so it proved, great sound and just out of spittle range. One hour forty minutes later all the best songs played (thanks to Doc for bringing me a drink) a fantastic killer parties and we’re all the hold steady. Awesome

Bring on the festival gigs.

Great live video of 'Last Night' from the gig



Its only a hill Shad

The plan this weekend (family away) was to stay at Shad’s on Saturday night and then walk in the White Peak district. We also had a dawn duel to sort out for Sunday morning.

Its always an experience staying at Shads, in fact I'd go further than this, its always an experience doing anything with Shad. The most unpredictable person I’ve ever met and as a consequence its never dull.

We spent a dull evening in the pub and went to bed early!

ok not really.

Warning rant bit…..

What is it with the latest obsession of the press, to yet again regurgitate the 'breakdown in society and family' theory to explain knife carrying. It really is utter b***ox. There are so many things to belong to these days, you would really have to try very hard to be an outsider. Whether its an online community, a band community (Hold Steady Unified Scene), work, school,gang, the local pub or maybe a family!

or even The Jericho Community Manchester

there are bloomin loads of opportunities to get positive influences.

What reminded me of this was two of Shads local pubs which are both fantastic. The first is ran by the mighty Titanic Brewery and to quote, ‘local pubs for local people’. It was bouncing and so noisy, all generated by peoples voices, smiles and energy. I think the trick was, clean, friendly, reasonable prices, great choices of drinks…(I missed the strawberry wine…made locally damn) and set up so everyone is close enough to talk to anyone but all with seats…brilliant.


The Pub

The second was even more traditional i.e. hadn’t changed since 1958 and the atmosphere again was ace. And they had a turn ‘ Silken’, how do you review a duo that play songs from 1957 to 1962 and then do requests. Lets be honest they won’t make it to the entrance hall on X Factor but for a bit of a foot tapping excellent value.

Chrome Hill

Or 'big bottom lip I’m knackered and really don’t want to be doing this hill’ as Shad called it.





We headed off, both on sat nav to Longnor which is approximately 8 miles Southeast of Buxton ie the middle of nowhere. I couldn’t believe it when my gismo said 55minutes…..its only 33 minutes to Warrington. But it turns out these machines are actually quite good.

Unlike the road from Stoke to Leek!!…..no kidding 30 or 40mph speed limits all the way and a minimum of 23 speed cameras. I may have missed one as I fell asleep through boredom and wrapped the car round the nearest infants school playground. Just to freak you out even more they had the Death Bikers Beware signposts every 500 yards, I drive a grey Volvo, imagine the signs for that! Grey Volvo’s BEWARE grrrrr.







Eventually we arrived ready for the walk and the duel.

The Kite Duel

Shad’s bought one of these 6 story high posh kid kites…Lord Snooty, he’s even invested in 25 metre long sharpened steel lines to cut down the poor kids kites. I wasn’t having this, so I dug out my old Peter Powell stunt kite, once upon a time I could land this on a running dogs head…so he was going to be in real trouble. (Its no wonder that blonde woman dumped Peter Powell if all he did was fly kites).

Oh yeah the duel, we got to Longnor all excited, sun shining and promptly forgot we had the kites in the boot and set off without them. Still there’s always next weekend after the party.

I also managed to forget to pick up my bottle of water, but luckily Shad was carrying a spare 2 ltr bottle…result. Longnor is a gorgeous old worldy type village and off the beaten track, although it does have four pubs so perhaps this is where the alcoholics get put out to pasture. I only wanted to do this walk because the main hill we were going to climb, Parkhouse Hill looks exactly like the back of a Stegasaurus in the pictures.

It was a lively enough walk, Shads normal obsession with animals, dogs, sheep and pulling the ears off a donkey. The hill turned out to be a bit tough for the young Welshman….maybe it was the extra water he was carrying although I’ve put it down to my superior fitness. He eventually made it to the top 10 minutes late and flopped down next to the stone I was sat on. I didn’t point out the 300ft cliff edge next to him until he yelped……what do my pals expect at the top of mountains? maybe a slide?







A couple of excellent things happened on the way back, firstly Shad said ‘we used to eat nettles when I was a kid’ , I’m sorry but there only is one response to this ‘FOUD’, I actually couldn’t stop laughing for about 10 minutes at the various images of baby Shad in my head munching on stinging nettles. Anyway in the next 10 minutes we must have walked passed a good 3 course meal. Perhaps that donkeys ear was going to make up the Julienne of raw nettle and donkey ear salad.

Next we found a pub, yay. called ‘The Quiet Lady’ and brilliantly the barwoman hardly said a word and the ones she did were whispered. Hopefully we'll come across 'The Free Beer and Party Girls pub' next time. 'Pint of orange and a pork pie each please'.

I know……its not ‘Big Picture’ but it was 1pm lunchtime and it was the only thing they had. We then went on to do what you do when you come across discovered food. This is brilliant we said, it must be local farm stuff………no its from Crewe said the friendly local drunk. Not a word.

The other top thing about the pub is they still had ashtrays on all the tables, this place is so the middle of nowhere that they just ignore the law……pirate villages rule.

Just for a bit of clarification on ‘Big Picture’ one of my pals reckons that cider being apple, counts as one of your five a day. Now this is a great theory as offset pints can now be other drinks…..bloody mary with celery = 2 of your five a day…. this is genius and deserves building on soon.

And finally the whole ‘Beware Death Biker’ thing came back to haunt us as out of nowhere in the middle of nowhere about 30 bikes nearly mowed us down. Luckily I’d parked the grey Volvo in the village or it could have got messy.

And the rest of the pictures

Roseberry Topping Anyone?

In the old days they may have rolled eggs down the one hill in Albert Park (just behind the train track) or down Eston Bank, but everyone knows that there is only one real hill in the area and its got a daft name. Roseberry Topping is part of the Cleveland Hills and is famous for school trips and being pointy.

School trips these days tend to be to good places like Alton Towers or New York…really don’t ask it still hurts too much.

We got a soggy 15 mile sponsored walk round the Cleveland Hills. Sponsored is even stretching it, as that normally meant my mam, dad, auntie Joyce and nana with other made up names to take it over £3. Oh and while I’m on this exploitation of schools and children to raise money for other schools and children. What the hell were smiley faces about…go on kids sell pictures of smiley children to random adults by knocking on random doors in your street. Could you imagine the fuss now?

So the grand plan today is; a nostalgic walk from Hutton Rugby up the clearly marked path (another patio walk) to RT and then an easy loop back, nothing too strenuous as we’re off to see Ash later at a free festival 10 miles away in Middlesbrough. Last time I was here 'r Carl' my cousin was about 12, he’s about 35 now and he got caught up in a huge thunderstorm with Pam and me. Its so long ago its in the days before marriage.

I heard a story the other day about a couple that got married to the tune, ‘another one bites the dust’ again top insignificant rebellion.

We actually turned up in shorts,T Shirts and sandals and almost jogged to the top, mind you we really did sprint down as the lightening stuck the hillside about us. Nothing so flippant with clothing for us these days!! more of this later.

I opted for the 'drive straight to the carpark on the moors from Warrington' option rather than meet Craig first. My first site of him was as passed me in the opposite direction on the road. He must have misread the box and bought Tw*t Nav , as he’s the only person who can be so consistently lost with a Sat Nav. Even when he’s going to places he’s been before like my house.

Its raining, and as hinted I’m very very well prepared, sadly I’ve even sprayed my boots and have the overtrousers. Mr Mary Poppins on the other hand, is wearing a dodgy coat and jeans, but does have a lovely brolly.

The truth is we’ve both thought of this as the sort of walk you do with your mates on the way home from school so no need for real maps or anything. Why would you need a map and a compass when you can nip home for tea? Unfortunately the sky had different ideas and we had dense cloud which took visibility down to about 20 yards and less at the top. So this ‘OMG isn’t the view great’ business when you reach the top didn’t really apply today. Unless of course you’ve always wanted to see the inside of a cloud close up.

Lets see what you could've won

There was one great moment as Craig almost double wet himself though, deciding to relieve himself off the edge of the hillside he neglected to look down until in position and then had to make a hasty retreat from the 200ft drop with a yelp. I put that down to the zip.

Thankfully my head hasnt reached the point where I think graffiti is a bad thing, infact I've got it down as a really good thing if done well. Mulicultural grafitti surely is to be encouraged particularly in rap format with local interest....I'll let you make your own mind up about these two, oh the distracting bottle was my fault.

Then we tried to follow the route back….

This route was from Walking World magazine and wasn’t exactly big on detail, anyway we were on home turf ‘what could possibly go wrong’.

An hour later... very lost, we just know we have to turn right to get back to Hutton Rugby. Unfortunately the only paths to the right were very small paths that seemed to lead into a deserted moor full of cloud. Neither of us were that brave. Craig spotted on the map that our route met The Cleveland Way at Captain Cooks monument right by the carpark. As a slight aside I do blame this chap for all the rubbish movies and sitcoms where explorers get boiled in pots. He really did get eaten by some southerners. I’d be a bit wary if I’d moved to Southampton mate.

The esteem in which he was nevertheless held by the Hawaiians resulted in his body being retained by their chiefs and elders and the flesh cut and roasted from his bones

So we set off along The Cleveland Way just hoping it didn’t loop around too far. It certainly didn’t….well not the way we were walking on it - that’s 180 degrees in the wrong direction. Roughly 3 hours of looping and looping in the wrong direction we ended up on the wrong side of Guisborough. Now this is also a good thing as Guisborough is one of these places that claims to have more pubs per square inch than every other village with lots of pubs. Fortunately we found one still serving Sunday lunch…result...... and with traditional Teesside veg. For those not local, this is stewed in salt and boiled to within a nanosecond of disintegration and then mashed just to make sure theres no structure left.

Still if you avoid the Yorkshire pudding and take the mash and mince option you can just about eat your dinner through a J2O straw.

As intrepid explorers there was only one thing left to do….and yes one £15 taxi fare later there we were back at our cars bang on time. Perfect

The incessant rain had now put me off the free outdoor festival, that and the worry that the clouds might follow us and I may just hear a fluffy version of Ash though the inside of a cloud. I’ve also seen Ash about 10 times already and they weren’t going to be that much better than at Glastonbury a few years ago

What a great jump around it was

While in Scotland a few weeks ago I found John Peel staring down at me whilst a was peeing . It was so disconcerting I took a photo…of John Peel you’ll be relieved to know. I was just pleased no-one came into the loo at that time they would have thought I was bonkers

Just to the right of the white box

Just to make things neat

It was going to be a big few weeks coming up so I headed home for a cocoa and a roaring warm fire…kinda

And a few extra pics

Get Big Picture

It was a busy bank holiday weekend all round and the last thing you need is for the chap you are walking with to say two things that get you thinking about all sorts of stuff. I was very happy with the external entertainment I certainly didn't need an internal running commentary as well.





Just to save any suspense that wasn't building

'this is just about , offset pints'

and then the killer

'na it really only works when you do the bigger picture stuff'

I promise I'll get to this later but this weekend had all sorts of options, I turned down an invite to the Monaco GP fully paid as I thought an afternoon in Litchfield watching Melanie at The Folk Festival of Britain would be better.

Melanie Song

I didn't go for the Ricky Hatton fight despite it being round the corner, in truth I'm not overly impressed with the whole live boxing malarky. I went to see pie boy fight at the MEN Arena against Costa Tzu maybe. Anyway I have never ever been in a more unsavoury looking (thats really clever after the pie line) bunch of people in my life. If the Manchester Police had locked the doors and interviewed everyone on the way out, I bet 80% of all wanted people in Greater Manchester would have been caught.

So all three of the above never happened, nor did the rugby final in Cardiff - well not for me anyway

I did however manage a quick stroll through the Cheshire Countryside. Beeston Castle is excellent value, the only really defensible spot in the whole of Cheshire as described in the old days. Except its in the middle of bloomin nowhere with nothing to defend except a hill. Even the Victorians who have a reputation of being a bit EMO (penny blacks fgs) had a bit off a laugh at their forefathers by building the mock Peckforton Castle on the hill next to it.

So armed with the walking world guide to the Cheshire Countryside I headed off, first instruction was park outside Beeston Castle - easy . Then walk away from it without so much as even having a look, next walk all the way round Peckforton Castle without even having a look and then walk up Bulkeley Hill which even the locals havent heard of. Oh well at least there was lots of wildlife to view on the way.





Rabbits are making a major comeback 'Bigwig for PM'. There must have been 300 rabbits on the hillside next to me at one point, I've heard that the Miximitoasties thing has stopped killing them, but I also think we should be a bit wary as they must have teamed up with the foxes to be this abundant - or maybe kung fu school for bunnies. Then there was the monster size Green Woodpecker that scared the life out of me, having read about Mad Allen the hermit who lives in the caves round here I guess I was a bit jumpy. Actually he sounded like a bit of a boy

Mad Allens Story

There was also some sort of railway line which went up to the top of Bulkeley Hill but my 4 minutes of research haven't enlightened me to its purpose. Yeah I know trains run on them!





The walk back was pleasant enough across farmers fields, even though the directions were again vague 'the path goes cross away the fields' and the brilliant 'follow the obvious path' or the 'you can see the next stile from here'....you couldnt. It must have rained here during the day as my legs were bloomin soaking by the time I got back to the Castle....which was now shut. If life really is just doh! and woohoo moments then this was the former.

The plan for Saturday was, easy day then see The Charlatans in Manchester

8.30am woken by a screaming family who had caught a rabbit in our garden.....oh good. Sorry that wasn't clear it was actually my family as opposed to randoms.

We've always had an understanding that the most adventurous pet we should be allowed to keep are fish. On the basis that all animals poo and we all hate any inside to outside stuff, cute as they may be they are not for us...or so I thought. Within an hour of capturing this rabbit we had it well an truely incarcerated, ok so we didnt give an orange suit or use dubious interview techniques, (Steve Gribbons 'sittin on Guantanamo Bay watching our rights fade away' hum along) but a few phone calls later and we had cages, and food and water. Please God let there be a picture in the local paper next week of a child crying and asking if anyone has found fluffy.


The Charlatans - Academy 1 Manchester

I've seen The Charlatans a few times over the years and I've a pretty good memory for gigs (Yes I sadly have most of the tickets since 1978). The first time I saw them was at The Riverside in Newcastle in about March 1990. One of my pals was having a stag do, well more of a can't be arsed to do it properly do. We ended up on The Quayside fairly early doors and to slow things down a bit we went to watch a band. Thankfully being aficionados we all thought they were really good even at that stage.

As a slight aside we accidentally broke into The Natwest Bank on the same night. (I'll save that for later in case my mate Dave reads this)

I also saw them in Middlesbrough a year or so ago when I witnessed the most flagrant ignorance of non smoking signs and a smoking ban ever. I like a bit of insignificant rebellion ( ok Roy Castle excepted) and smoking in The Town Hall is excellent.

Anyway back to the gig, it was off to Manchester tonight with Pam,The Bank Manager Dave and a Random (Turned out Dave had met him at a cricket match and then shared a room with him - I didnt listen to any further details). First stop 'The Lasso Gowrie' its legendary, lookit up next time you are in town its just as good as it was 15 years ago.

Now anyone really sad or paying way too much attention may have noticed that this gig is at the same venue as last weeks excellent Pendulum gig - but on arrival the crowd could not have been any more different. The average age must have been about 40 , but all with the haggered look of a 1000 Johnny Marrs - as for the blokes. Last week - no problem to get to the bar at any time (the kids live on water and pills), this week 6 deep at all times as the alcoholic generation (Generation XXXX) made their way through so much beer the bar was down to cans of Redstripe as the only lager left and the is before the band came on.

Blackened Blue Eyes

It could easily have been a drunken dirge of a singalong with your long lost mates, but fortunately the band and the sound were much better than that. We had the singalong songs, they played all six songs that Pam knew. They played the best 2 or 3 trackes of each album which is what all bands should do .....even if they only have one album.

Whatever the architect types did to the venue with the protracted redesign last year it really has worked a treat. The sound quality was top notch , the bass reverb was excellent and The Charlatans played a blinder. Even the normally quiet Tim was heard to say ' this ones kicking off'. So 9/10 for the gig tonight.

Off to Edinburgh

It may seem a bit daft to go to Edinburgh to watch a virtually unknown pop combo from The USA, but as my pal says 'you have to be somewhere'.

Bleary eyed and slightly sore {WARNING Red Stripe is proper evil -tastes great, easy to drink - makes you giddy and Nightmare Hangovers even with only 4 cans}. I set off for The Pen Something Hills and a 2pm meet up with Colin the IT man from before. The whole gig walk gig walk thing going really rather well now. Well for one of us.

The Pentland Hills are ace; only 6 miles outside Edinburgh; I have to drive passed them anyway; and BIG. Even for a first trip I think Scotland is First Division Hills.

England >3000 ft about 5 hills
Scotland >3000ft about 280 hills

These are made up numbers but fairly close


Colin 'Mr Unprepared' breezed up 15 minutes late (he lives 4 miles away, I'm 200 miles) in a pair of running shoes and a T-Shirt, anyone unclear on just how mad this is should read The King Arthurs Seat blog. This walk was billed as 'a lovely stroll round a couple of reservoirs and back over the hills'. Right!





The other brilliant thing about Colin is that he's very Scottish, he just couldnt get the hang of saying hi to other walkers. Just in case they came back with 'who you saying hi to?' or 'what's your problem pal?' 7 trys 7 failures. The best he did was grunt and even then after they had passed.

The first test was to get passed the fly fishermen, its ok to fish 6 side by side, but not backing onto the road please. For the older game addicts if you can remember 'Frogger' it was exactly like this but with hooks rather than crocodiles. We passed this test and then dodged passed the obligatory pensioners (one in a wheelchair this time) and so to the bottom of the hill. I've got a bit of experience at these hills now and this one even looked steep from a distance - it was very very very steep. I'm ok at climbing, I'd even go as far to say I really quite like it now and I wish we had a few more hills where I lived, however I wouldnt mind an incy warm up slope. What made it worse was Colin's lateness and the fact that he had booked a 6pm tea with the inlaws. So a stroll became a pressurised uphill yomp! Walking World (WW) said 210 minutes which meant back to the car for 6pm.


No way 6pm - we were on a mission from God - or Colins wife as she became known during our jog! I was knackered after 100yards but made it up in stages and I got my second wind after about 30 minutes and then we were off, not one person overtook us all the way not even one of the compulsary marathon running pensioners.


I now realise that this happens all the time at the tops of big hills but 'the views were awesome'. When you can see all of Edinburgh, the famous bridges and the seaside on one side and most of Southern Scotland on the other it is going to look pretty special. There are two peaks on this walk and bizarrely the weather on both was great until the last 10 meters where suddenly huge winds blew us all over the place. The treck down was pretty easy an uneventful except for the dwarf man laying under a very low hanging tree. He was basically laying on his back reading a piece of paper 2 inches from his eyes, just calling out numbers. Very odd- perhaps this is where old bingo callers get put out to pasture.

Brilliant timing and had knocked about 40 minutes off the estimate so everything back on plan

And so off to Edinburgh for me to meet Craig and go to see what he has perhaps over enthusiatically billed as 'the best band in the world'. Colin drove like the wind to enjoy tea with the outlaws.

The Young Republic





Halfway into town I got a text from a pal to say she had just completed the Edinburgh marathon, excellent news both in achievement and the fact we could catch up for a beer. I walk up mountains so I can't really hold a negative opinion on someone who wants to run over 20 miles, it just seems like a lot of effort. So WDY Sue and then this brings me back to the big picture stuff.
Get Big Picture - almost a rant stuff

The whole offset beers vs exercise is a great concept, infact this should be brought into to all government health warnings, maybe even food labelling. 10 Bensons = 15 mile run, sausage roll = walk down for the paper etc. 6 pints of lager = walk up a mountain. Its brilliant in its simplicity and WDColin...if only he had stopped at this point.

The second part came about as Colin pointed out that last time he had been really fit he had run a half marathon but that he couldn't get fit just by doing the training....WHAT!. This was about to scupper the whole plan of getting fit to walk up big mountains just by walking up small mountains first. I should have stopped him at this point but I didnt...

Colin went on to explain 'The Big Picture' concept. And yes its pretty obvious and yes people like my Americana loving pal Andy has been doing this since Bon Jovi were still in spandex, but doing the whole - fun exercise food - balance thing always leads to denial....and I'm not great at that.

I've spent a bit of time thinking about this in the last week or so and its actually much worse than that.... you have to do more of the excercise and the healthy eating thing than you do of the fun thing to make any improvement. I've always been pretty good at doing anything really; once I put my mind to it,


I generally don't put my mind to it at all if I'm going to be rubbish or don't fancy the effort.


One or two pals may have noticed a lack of blog activity for which I apologise however I've been spending the last 10 days (now a bit longer) getting myself psyched to do this big picture stuff, as with stopping smoking the theory is easy 'don't light a cigarette and put it in your mouth = live longer'

Eat healthy take exercise = be fitter

With stopping smoking howver I did make the discovery that you can control the running commentary to life that you have going on in your head. Well I did, once I also discovered that I had music running in my head at all times in parallel to the conversation. I know this sounds a bit bonkers but we all do it, you think 'I'll drive past the Pizza shop and make a salad sandwich when I get home' to then find yourself in the pizza shop 30 seconds later because your running commentary as told you that it'll be quicker , taste nicer and well there is always later for salads.

If it needs to be Big Picture Stuff to get up a real mountain then thats the plan. Updates to follow no doubt.

So meeting Sue for a beer with her tired out friends and then meet Colin again and off to see 'the best band in the world' erm in a tiny pub in Edinburgh. Our local tour guide Colin got us completely lost and in the wrong bar in the wrong street, so we turned up 'just as the band went on stage' the lovely lady on the door informed us. Oh well at least we'll still hear them from the back I thought.

ahh on the basis that the back and the front of the audience were 3 yards apart I needn't have worried. I can't wait to tell the grandkids that I saw the best band in the world on their first gig in Scotland in a tiny pub with 25 other people. It just has to be a 'Free Trade Hall' moment. My ticket number which I had just collected at the door was No1 (this is true and its the only time its ever happened).

Craigs track record on music is pretty good.....he's only ever liked about 6 bands

The Beatles
Billy Bragg - first Album
The Jam
The Stone Roses - First Album
British Sea Power

and now

The Young Republic.

Once they recovered from two broken strings in the first couple of songs they were really good, especially as only the band and Craig had heard any of the songs before. Two violins a couple of guitars, a basist and a drummer and taking turns on keyboard. I had this down as a pretty large band (ok not compared to UB40 but thats exceptional) until Craig pointed out that the flautist had been fired and the other keyboard player had buggered off in the last couple of weeks too. I was enjoying the whole jangly guitar and violin indie thing when they suddenly headed left into a couple of fantastic cover versions, Bob Dylans - Isis

Some Young Republic Stuff


and a Tom Waits song - Which neither of us know the name of. This was then followed up by a comment of 'we're going to play a few new and louder songs now', I'm a big fan of jangly music the C86 tape is still a prize possesion, however this new stuff was even better. At the end of the night we said a slightly drunken hello to the band- I'm sure they were thrilled

Craig ' oi mate why did you sack the flute player' - both diplomatic and classy!


I bought the album and its a belter.....with talk of two new albums in the near future I think they may just end up in a few big venues soon.....world domination round the corner mate.

Lots of Pics

Shining Tor and the Fiddle

Even though no-one else was sober or awake enough to join me, the fact that it was sunny on a weekend near Manchester was just too good an opportunity to miss. Also the fact that I could be the highest person in Cheshire for a few minutes and see for miles was also a good excuse.

Shift and click for background music

At 559m Shining Tor is the highest hill (no hands required this week) in Cheshire and gets an A* for views on a clear day. As a double bonus its only about 10 minutes walk from The Cat and Fiddle pub and only 33minutes from my house --or so the AA website informed me. Other than in London my reading of maps is infallible even if I say so myself. I even bought a hard copy roadmap for the first time last week as i thought things might get a bit tricky with some of the roads we were now venturing on.

Oh yes they got tricky!

I always use http://www.walkingworld.com/ to get routes for the walk, well I do ever since I hit the 'yes' charge my credit card forever button. But they are due an email off me soon, the walking routes with the pics are generally pretty good with only the odd bit missed off to keep your interest. Even then you get a pic of an OS map to help. Without fail the direction to the meeting / start points are bloody hopeless, honestly Rosie is more communicative when she grunts over the requests for the TV zoomy.

Anyway there is a completely unsignposted maze in the middle of The High Peak with lots of roads that just don't exist on the map. Its a bit like in the old days where people flew about in cars on treasure hunts (the treasure was always in the pub) passing eachother 10 times in different directions. I swear I passed a blue mondeo 5 times. The only clues were the reservoirs and there are 5 of those, the good news is that after a while some sort of magic takes over the space time continuum moves and hey presto the start point exactly 45 minutes since you were 2 minutes away.

I did manage to see one of the very rare mountain hares, they were nearly one hare rarer too as it skipped ahead of my car.

From the carpark the directions were follow the route uphill to Errwood Hall (yes I tried putting this in AA routefinder) it turns out to be off the main path and also less than half a hall. Only the first 10 layers of bricks now exist which by any site-seeing standards is a bit rubbish. I was out with my dad in Rome to watch Middlesbrough a few years back and talk about rubbish sites, The Spanish Steps were so rubbish that my dad was still having a go at me for getting us lost whilst he was stood on the very items we were looking for.

It was all uphill from the reservoir but compared to last week I could admire the views as I walked and the closer I got to the summit the better they became. In an effort to prevent errosion, the forest rangers ( I do hope they have badges) had laid rubber matting and covered it with grit / stones. I bounced moonwalk style all the way to the top...this could be the answer to the bigger mountains. Just in case anyone else fancies being the highest person in Cheshire (legally) you can easily walk up here from the pub...hence the fiddle. There is also a huge style next to the trig point which guarantees highest status as it's defo only one person at a time on top. Just as I got to the top a helicopter flew over me grrrrrr. I later discovered that this was a 'bear in the air' as Kris Kristofferson (daft name) would have it, that chased speeding bikers over the moors. Great X-box game in the making here.

'Higher than Bez'

From Shining Tor I took the path along the ridge to Cats Tor, or rather I walked along the mile or so of patio that had been laid. I understand the errosion issue, but just how popular does it get up here? Do they have the UK Patio Festival up here? Maybe its why B&Q ran out of BBQ's in the North West last weekend, maybe they were all up here. (3 sunny days in a row and stock control can't cope....talk about leaves on the track).

The views from here really are incredible, I felt like I could see half the UK and having checked this when I got home I found that I really could.

This is good

So thats Pen-Y-ghent, Wolverhampton, The Wrekin, Barnsley, Snowdon and even more, excellent.

The route down was pretty simple 'follow the path downhill' I did and I came to Windgather Rocks which is described as 'popular with climbers'. Honestly I've seen shorter queues at Alton Towers on a bank holiday or at the local hairdressers on a Saturday. 17 hairdressers in Stockton Heath, I was going to be surprised for a moment and then remembered that woman get charge £50 for a haircut and blokes get charge £12....what is going on here?

The only other weird thing that I came across were the broken treesand the way that they had all been crushed.

It was either;

The Kettleshume Giant marching across the hills to beat up the Buxton Posse

An extremely localised tornado

The domino effect

I happily concluded point C was to blame and that dominos must have nicked this effect off trees many years ago, before record breakers became famous.

The last point of interest were the dead mans seats, at least 6 benches by the reservoirs dedicated to various dead people who liked to sit around here a lot. I was about to do the over 40 maudlin thing where you think 'oh bugger not long left'. Then I started reading them, 'Bob was a countryman who loved walking in this valley 1916 - 2004' and so it went on. All of them were well into there 80's. Maybe there is something in this walking lark, mind you they were probably all 3ft 4" when they died from wearing their legs out.

So 10 miles in 3 hours and 520 metres climbed ,that must make up for 2 days smoking in 1998.

Great Gable - One Step Beyond

Windscale, Sellafield, Seascale, it’s all the same place, but for anyone who remembers TCR this was the place where fishes had three heads and frogs could jump over mini clubmans. Everyone knew that it was only a matter of time before it blew up….lets just hope it’s a long way away and those mountains are BIG.

This may be 25 years too late, but for anyone who is still worrying, its bloomin miles away and the mountains are massiver than Man City. (Although maybe not that blokes ego who is in charge, even Man City fans must realise its going to go badly wrong off the deep end). Its definitely quicker to get to London from Warrington than it is to get to The West Lakes. The directions are easy, up the M6,hang a left at Kendal and follow the road….round and round and round and round.

As you approach Windscale and The West Lakes, EVERYTHING gets bigger, bushes, flowers, trees, palm trees, frogs and mountains. Ok I made up frogs and I probably can’t blame nuclear activity on the size of the mountains. Virtually the whole of the top ten size English mountains are here and its spectacular.

Skip this bit if you wish to avoid a rant

The only thing that spoiled the journey was the one road sign that reminded me of the latest batch of Cheshire roadsigns. Its not just the utter waste of money or even the absolute ugliness that annoys me, but the meaningless of the words.

2450 casualties in 5years! ( add a couple of councillors in please)

What is a casualty? tripped off the kerb maybe! and where does the road being measured stop and start. All the roads join up so why not just have running totals for the whole county like cricket scoreboards at every junction? oh and while I’m on one, what are the start and end date of the 5 years.

Its worse in Cheshire, we have 8 of these signs on a 1 mile stretch of the A49 near my house (I bet they count great crested newts as casualties in Cheshire). Anyway we have one that reads ‘Police Enforcement Area’ – like anywhere else isn't, and it goes on to say ‘drink drivers will be severely punished’. I’ve never noticed the Warrington Vigilante police, but I’ll be much more careful walking home from the pub tipsy in future. They may move on to pavements.

I met up with Craig at Gosforth or ‘the real Gosforth’ as he calls it, anything to annoy the Geordies eh! We then headed off to the National Trust Campsite which we hadn’t booked another ‘it’ll be fine moment’. As it turned out it was. We passed Wastwater on the way and it is ominously beautiful, the steep skree sides and the dark water of England's deepest lake give it an evil feel. That was before the dead body stories.

Great campsite, a spot by the river (cool beer and snoring cover) and 5 minutes later my only child 2 man tent is sorted. True to form Craig has another new tent and an hour later after a not insignificant amount of hurumphing we are all sorted. Its about 5pm and time for a BBQ snacket and some beers. After last weeks hello there woops I’ve brought nothing from Craig, it was my turn to return the favour. Nice lamb chops though, the ideal BBQ meal cooked in 5 minutes and a nice bone/handle to hold whilst eating.

Buying blokes over 30 yr old presents must be a nightmare, and Craig had brought the proof with him. Ten years worth of ‘interesting’ alcohol from around the world. Banana beer Sir? no thanks. Cactus Cider? erm go on then. A couple of hours later we headed off to the Wasdale Head pub for some tea and to plan our attack on Great Gable. At this stage we still didn’t have a clue which of the 8 mountains around us it was.

Top picture by me

Great Gable is the 10th highest peak in England and at 899m it’s a long way up. We had originally ‘planned’ to start at Honiston Pass 1000ft up the mountain – unfortunately there is no through route to Honiston Pass from Wasdale (at least an hour in the car). Our new plan was to follow the crowds in the morning, this may have been the banana beer talking. So the pub was good, more top cider, top lamb and very odd staff who I originally thought came from the four corners of the earth but on reflection may have just been closely related folk of Cumbria. It was dark as we left, time to test our navigation skills……..we chickened out and went the long way round via the road. The river worked, no audible snoring and a great night sleep ready for the mountain.

We decided to call in at the local shop on the way to pick up a map, but a combination of poor choice and going for the cheap guide book option £1.99, left us with a map Rosie could have drawn. Follow the big dots up the picture of the hill and if you didn’t like that, follow the dashy lines down. At least there was a picture of a church and we could only see one so that had to be the way……it was also a bad way. The wall of the church around the small graveyard was low enough to read the tombstones most of which had the words ‘died on the mountain’ in a prominent position. oh good!

After a steady incline of about a mile we reached the foot of Great Gable and overtook the old age pensioners who were going to be our pacesetters for the day. The terrain immediately turned loose and rocky which meant lots of concentration and looking at my boots for most of the walk. The good news was that Craig is a very keen on views and insisted on stopping every couple of hundred yards just so we didn’t miss one. After an hour of fairly steep climbing the local pensioner quietly asked if my friend was going to be ok and did he know he was only one third of the way up? More climbing, more panting for breath and sometime later we arrived at Sty Head Tarn. It was absolutely gorgeous, in fact the weather was a bit too gorgeous as the temperature had been climbing faster than we were.

The OAP lady that raced us

Whilst laying recovering a few things occurred to me. 1) Pen-Y–Ghent had been a doddle, 2) We may not make it to the top, 3) it may not have been the greatest plan ever to tackle a top ten hill at this stage. Great Gable gets really steep here and here is the Wikipedia description of this part of the walk

'Wasdale can also make use of Sty Head pass, before slogging up the south east ridge, or the scree filled Aaron Slack'

So slog up we did, there wasn’t much idle chat as conserving energy and full concentration were needed. We climbed fairly quickly and just as I got my second wind, Craig needed a break. In good old only child fashion I left him to it and headed off for the summit an estimated half hour away. You really don’t want to be climbing up here in the wet, sections were hand and feet climbing on pretty unsure ground. I had a real bambi leg moment as I went over yet another false peak. Having had yet another rest I looked about to see I was higher than virtually every other hill and I could see below that Craig hadn’t died and was moving up again – phew. The final clamber over the rocks only took another 10 minutes and suddenly I was at the top. I don’t know whether it was the relief or the fantastic views but I did suddenly feel fantastic. Almost a Primal Scream moment, which lasted a good while.

Another Primal Scream Moment

Then as the old lady with the walking sticks came into view my thoughts turned to my struggling pal. Well actually to the sausage sandwich he was carrying for me, but it’s the thought that counts. I wandered over to the Northern edge just as Craig crested the final ridge. I’m guessing but I think that the huge grin was the knowledge that there was no more UP today.

Mistake

The dash dash dash route down just had to be shorter than the dotty route up. It was, but as a consequence it was a heck of a lot steeper and blinking dangerous. If we had tried to climb up this way we would have been skewered on some jutty out rock by now. It took just as much effort as uphill with the bonus of hurting your knees more. The only redeeming feature was that we followed the waterfall down and could refill our water bottles. OK so Sellafield Heads and filtered sheep's piss was a bit of a risk but it tasted fantastic. It took a good two hours to scramble back down and all my joints were struggling by the time we hit firm ground at the bottom.

The truth is that this walk hurt a lot and wasn’t enjoyable in the classical sense, but the adrenalin rushes made up for the short comings as did the views. We even skipped a last pint so I could get home for a rest and avoid the vigilante police.

some extra pics